The Perfect Game

So naturally, whenever I end up bashing/criticizing/defecating upon a game, or even sometimes, defending a certain game that others manically despise, the typical question surfaces: “Oh yeah? So what would your ideal game be, Mr. Stabs-the-Heart-of-Devs-a-Lot?” Okay, so that question typically never surfaces, but know what? It should dammit. Because the one thing this PC gaming world needs is more jarringly slanted opinionated dissertations. Lucky for you, you’re gonna get one. It’s like Christmas all over again! Only without the hassle of all that physical unwrapping! And with adverbs! So here goes: an unpretentious proposal for my utopian PC title. Game developers? Pay close, focused attention. I’m about to rock. Your. World.

To start, I desire a game that absolutely refuses all forms of peripheral manipulation besides a standard mouse and keyboard. Something totally inflexible to alternative methods of internal direction. I want a game that’s built and fabricated exclusively around a singular native control device. Better yet, I want every single button on the keyboard to do something, even Pause Break and the asterisk on the number pad. Like ArmA II and the MechWarrior series, only I want the keys easily and instantaneously bound to my own assignments should the need arise, without ever having to access a main menu. I also request the option to bind all feasible actions to a single keystroke. Somehow. See? This is a pretty respectable request. Isn’t it? Okay let’s dig deeper now.

I want, no demand flat-out brilliant lifelike graphics, but I want them stylized and beautiful and gritty. With the option to go from first person to top-down overhead seamlessly. All at once. I want a Crysis-Borderlands-World of WarCraft-Monkey Island blend of fantastic super killer awesomeness. Oh and I also want all of that to run silky buttery smooth on single 8800 GTS. Also, while we’re there, I decree a need for a minimalistic yet insanely complex on-screen GUI. It needs to display all the important vitals and stats, but at the same time, it needs to be integrated into the context of the game’s continuity without ever appearing gimmicky. It needs to be exactly like Far Cry 2 only different, presenting as much info-related minutia as Civilization IV. “How in the hell do we that,” you say? Doesn’t matter how. Not my problem. Make it work. Pour Dr. Pepper onto the code or something. Be more brilliant.

Red Alert contains non-interactive cut scenes.
Therefore, it is a terrible game.

For gameplay, the perfect title must be an RPG/FPS/Brawler/Turn-Based/Real-Time/Adventure hybrid, and by golly it’d better incorporate all those styles without a hitch. It’ll be like a combination of Command & Conquer: Renegade and Savage and Street Fighter IV, only good. Clive Barker, Tom Clancy, Chet Faliszek, and Tim Schafer will pen the plot. And of course, it’ll need top-notch voice acting to accommodate the rest of its aforementioned impeccable attributes. Nothing less than Mark Hamill, Patrick Stewart, and Joe Kucan will suffice. Actually, know what? Screw all that. This game obligates nothing less than the entire cast of Lost and Battlestar Galactica. In conjunction with all of the above, the perfect game is mandated to be totally glitch and bug-free (this will no doubt necessitate 17 crazy in-depth beta tests, but these tests need to be finished a week ago so the game can come out tomorrow).

Oh and back to the story: it abso-freaking-lutely must be 100% interactive at all possible times, even when it’s technically impossible or seemingly retarded to do so in the first place. Because we all know: if we can’t manipulate the on-screen narrative as it progressively unfolds, the game cannot be considered perfect. Common sense here people. It’s your job as game creators to see through all my ostensibly abstract genius suggestions and manipulate them into rock-solid concrete realities.

Or, on second thought, maybe we could preemptively attack mass stupidity and just agree that certain games can be perfect on their own, even if they don’t necessarily fill the needs of every single opinion on the planet. Oh hi, Machinarium!