The Games of Philosophers

There are plenty of PC games out there where history’s greatest humans are given the spotlight. There’s the gamut of the entire Civilization series, wherein we see the likes of Greek general Pericles, the Aztecs’ Montezuma, and India’s Mahatma Gandhi. More that come to mind are Napoleon: Total War, which stars everyone’s favorite short dude, and Europa Universalis: Rome, sporting Julius Caesar on the damn cover. The thing about these games, however, is that the people at hand are associated with the political and military side of things—there’re absolutely no games about the great philosophers of the world. Sure, several games take the philosophy of an intellectual and make it a major aspect (think Ayn Rand in BioShock), but there’re no games of them! I mean, there’s gotta be some potential masterpieces oozing from the untouched area of philosophy in gaming. To remedy this here and now, I’ll pitch a series of game concepts starring some of the world’s great thinkers.

Publishers: I expect royalty payments within two weeks of your [inevitably successful] game’s release. Thank you.

Cave Raider is Eidos Interactive’s strongest third-person action-adventure effort since Tomb Raider. You play as Plato, and you’re out to right the wrongs of Democritus, materialist and pre-scientist who wishes to take over the universe with an army of evil atoms. Armed with the forms of love, justice, courage (and many, many more), you explore over two dozen exotic caves across Ancient Greece and fight for the knowledge of the intelligible world!

Lead those slaves out of the cave and into the light!

Recruit disciples along the way and become the true philosopher king!

Features:

• Plato voiced by Razzie Award-winning actor Pauly Shore!
• Epic narrative written by… somebody. We’re not entirely sure!
• Alternatively, play as Socrates!

Alternative Titles: Socrates 2, Crito Some More

Funded by the Catholic church, Saints’ Row is a gift from god! Play as the two most famous not-Jesus Christians of all time, St. Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas, in this canoe simulator. A game of competition, you race your opponent to achieve transcendence and salvation first! Avoid sin and atheists!

Plato and Aristotle serve as their coaches!

Thomas has five ways to win!

Features:

• Manual authored by St. Thomas himself—over seven volumes and 13,000 pages!
• Comes with USB Priest Paddles™!
• Languages: Latin, Italian, Anglo-Saxon!

Alternative Title: Super Catholic Bros.

Play as the bad guy in Evil Genius: René Descartes! Travel the world as the French philosopher in this real-time strategy title. Invade the universities around the globe with your evil ideas and conquer the entire population. All of the globe is under your grasp!

Build wax attack units for waximum carnage!

Tactical pause mode!

Features:

• You can think!
• Dual mind support!
• Not as bad as Command & Conquer 4!

Alternative Title: Running Shoes René

Politics is nothing but flip-flopping your way to victory. Do that in VVVVVVoltaire! Control gravity as you bounce your way through the many key issues of contemporary society as French political thinker Voltaire!

Fight the man!

Satirize your enemies!

Features:

• Chiptune soundtrack composed by Mozart!
• 2D graphics with 3D support!
• Comes on three DVDs!

Alternative Title: FFFFFFrançois-Marie

Immanuel Kant is “Cat,” a private investigator specializing in murder cases. A retired 27-year veteran of the force, Cat solves the mystery, no matter what the cost. One scotch-filled evening, femme fatale S.O. Crates walked into Cat’s office and changed his life forever. Synthesize the clues to solve the case in this suspense-filled adventure game!

Solve the mystery of moral duty!

“Gory Call: Imperative” is the most ambitious Cat game yet!

Features:

• A world-trekking adventure across Königsberg’s markets, forests, and underworld!
• Comes with collectible bald scalp!
• Full-motion video cutscenes, starring Joe Kucan, Christopher Walken, and the naked chick from Phantasmagoria!

Alternative Titles: Call of Duty: Universal Law, Noumena and Phenomnomnomena