Dear Alan Wake

Dear Alan Wake,

I’m sorry to hear that you won’t be coming to the PC. I was pretty excited when I first read about you, three or four years ago. You sound like my kind of game, what with your spooky atmosphere and third-person-y-ness.

I suppose I’ll miss you terribly when I read about all the fun the 360 folks are having playing you, Alex. I mean, I will in-between sessions of Dragon Age: Origins. I still have a shit-load of hours to go with that one before I’m done, though. Oh yeah, I just got Mass Effect 2, so that’ll help too. I bet I can squeeze a good 30 hours of distraction from the Axel Wade hole in my life.

Come to think of it, I understand Aliens vs. Predator was just released. Surely you’ve heard about it, Ellen? I may be able to find some diversion from my regret with that one, for a few dozen hours anyway. Perhaps the upcoming Elemental: War of Magic, heir apparent to the classic Master of Magic, will give me some relief from the sure-to-be-constant longing I shall be feeling for your exclusively-Xbox experience.

Oh Achmed – how? How shall I cope with thy absence from my life? Where shall I find respite from the torment of knowing that your sweet gaming loins will ever be denied to me? The answer isn’t a pleasant one. I’ll be forced to consort with low-born hussies like BioShock 2 and the new S.T.A.L.K.E.R. game. I’ll don a trench coat and fake mustache and seek the company of… real-time strategy games! I know you don’t approve of RTSes, Abba, but have you gotten a gander at the ass on Supreme Commander 2? I’d hit it.

So you see, Anal Wape, I’m going to be pretty busy this year trying to forget about you. While my console cousins are basking on their couches in all your gamepad-directed glory, I’ll be locked in my darkened game room, sitting in my lumbar-friendly office chair, surrounded by speakers, facing down the 30-inch monitor sitting a foot away from my face, keeping company with the dregs of the PC gaming world. And if all of the above-mentioned titles aren’t enough to keep me sufficiently preoccupied to fend off any suicidal inclinations, well, don’t worry about me. I hear they’re working on a sequel to StarCraft.

Yours truly,

Me