A Brief Review of PC Gaming Manuals

Since the earth’s sulfurous noxious beginnings, there’ve been two eternal constants: PC gaming, and the paper-bound wisdom-filled tomes that accompany them. Together, the game and the manual have enjoyed an uninterrupted bout of world domination. But the days of loading up Doom II via a gnarled branch and a satchel of pebbles is over.

While agreeably magnificent services like Steam and Impulse are yanking in the first light of the digital distribution age, the abandonment of physical media in favor of direct desktop-delivered game packages is eroding the once inseparable union of instructive pamphlet to respective gaming title.

Before the royal lines of the king and his tactile queen sail away like Gandalf with the Elves, we thought it fitting to bust open the binoculars, gaze into the past, and review a handful of notable gaming manuals, highlighting the victories, virtues, and vices of each iteration. Extinction may be inevitable, but their memories shall reverberate and echo throughout eternity! Mostly.

The Elder Scrolls: Arena

Genre/Released: RPG/1994

The Down and Dirty: Ahh, 1994. A blissful time in the history of PC gaming. A time when butchering an entire forest for a single game manual was not only expected, but celebrated. Sure, Bethesda had to relocate 17 indigenous native tribes in South America to clear the wood needed for all the distributed copies, but it was worth it (or so their lawyers say). Inside Arena’s worthy specimen of a lofty document rests 88 thick, glossy pages of tasty informative prose.

Categorical and intricate histories of Argonians, Wood Elves, Nords, Redguards as well as a dissertation-level synopsis of classes and sub-classes—like  Acrobats, Bards, Warriors, and Spellswords—they’re all here for the intake.

From your peripheral vision, you might even mistake the printed weapon tables and armor class bonuses as direct rip-offs from Dungeons & Dragons. But as the saying goes, “Good artists copy, great artists steal.” In this case, The Elder Scrolls: Arena robbed poor old D&D completely blind.

And yeah, its interior’s completely black & white (or more accurately: brown & browner), but we’ll forgive this little smudge-on-the-collar in favor of the absolutely terrifying RPG complexities that inflate the inside of it like an over-gorged hot-air balloon. You just won’t find manuals of this caliber anymore folks, which, if you’re fond of sustained agriculture and trees, might be a good thing.

Good For: Deforesting small countries if ever reprinted; rendering quantum physicists inconsequential.

Grade: A

Quake II

Genre/Released: FPS/1997

The Down and Dirty: Weighing in at a feeble 36 pages, you’d think this pale example of a codex might sputter out and collapse before the starting gun.

And you’d be semi-right. Sure, this thing’s got some fancy theoretical mechanical drawings that pepper the text, and it’s printed in fabulously futuristic “color,” but that’s really all this poor girl has going for her. That and she puts out; at least in the sense of providing a basic overview of such tantalizing and  interesting activities as walking, swimming, running, shooting, and—no joke—ducking. (Unfortunately, no Duck Hunting.)

The armaments grid hints at a taste of pizazz with mini-expositions of shotguns and hyper-blasters. And the booklet’s outer soft-cover casing is undeniably sexy in a sort of perverse post-industrial type of motif.

But sadly, no amount of skin-deep beauty or leaps in design can make up for the 7 total sentences of plot that call 1/4 of page 6 home. And one of those sentences literally reads, “Damn again.”

Yowza.

Good For: Tracing the cover’s logo for the placement a supremely God-like tattoo on one’s right outer shoulder.

Grade: C+

Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun

Genre/Released: RTS/1999

The Down and Dirty: One of the few ever “widescreen” edition manuals released, when opened, this little baby sits in your hands like a gigantic greased banana. For ease of possible     drop-related disaster, we recommend never reading this manual whilst crapping. However, once the cover and backing are planted firmly on a table (or horizontal equal), there’s some chewy delicious goodness to be masticated from within.

From the very start, you’re treated with over-the-top bios for Jame’s Earl Jones’ General Solomon and Commander Michael McNeil, complete with photo of tired out-of-work actor Michael Biehn’s rubbery Hollywood-hatred-filled face. Actually, Biehn’s burned-out hopeless grill is the perfect metaphor for the game itself, which after attempting to play, you’ll completely understand why he appears so miserable.

Still, every nuance, nook, and seemingly trivial gameplay dynamic of this unforgivably awful Command & Conquer RTS is dissected and portrayed, even if they’ll never be actualized. Plus, every odd-numbered page has lotsa detailed background pictures! Mostly of Kane’s bald head.

Good For: Hilarious practical jokes when placed in bathrooms; studying every perfect smooth contour of Kane’s bald head.

Grade: B-

Undying

Genre/Released: FPS-RPG/2001

The Down and Dirty: Undying contains some of the most spooky underwear-staining moments you’ll ever partake on the PC platform. So much, in fact, that you’ll need a pile of spare boxer shorts within arm’s reach for maximum cleanliness. Even scarier than the actual game? Just how pitifully repulsive the manual is. As thick as a playing card and about as info-packed, this proverbial piece of literary ass screams to be tossed in the trash.

Luckily, the full-color ancillary journal—describing, in minutia, the diabolic thoughts and actions of every twisted main character—more than makes up for its compatriot’s sins. Scrawled in ornate calligraphic-cursive, stained with mock bloodied fingerprints, you’ll brandish your Undying journal with pride and joy, quoting out loud at your boss’s kid’s birthday party such salary raise-guaranteeing lines as: “Keisinger carried Bethany’s corpse into the drawing room… How is it come to pass that he should be the one to carry her lifeless body home?”

Good For: Manual: using as tinder to start a small fire. Journal: reading and terrifying small children by the fire.

Grade: C

Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura

Genre/Released: RPG/2001

The Down and Dirty: Obliterator of all other paper-bound gaming volumes, Arcanum’s 189-page Goliath of an instruction booklet stabs you in the eyes with a spear of blazing erudite fabulousness. Every spell and tech is exhaustively studied and relayed; every race and culture explained, and every skill, trait, and potential action cataloged. Hundreds of handy screen caps? Yes sir. Easily-readable period-inspired fonts? Indeed. Steamy Dwarf-on-Ogre porno pics? Hell no.

Plus, the tone and voice in the descriptions of the technological disciplines are comic genius. Take, for example, this choice excerpt from the Clockwork Decoy: “This mechanical wonder is equipped with a powerful spring mechanism, and is perfect for creating diversions and confounding the most dangerous of foes! Brain them at your leisure while their attentions are turned!”

And as if this beast of an in-game authoritative bibliography isn’t enough, there’s also a separate fold-out hand-drawn world map. The manual’s even got a drool-inducing (and actually makeable) 3-bowl “Halfling” bread recipe on the last page. Which is fitting, as Arcanum’s game booklet downright bakes the competition, past or present.

Good For: Bringing to pretentious elitist book-clubs; plagiarizing lines as your own material and acting smug.

Grade: A

Civilization III

Genre/Released: Strategy/2001

The Down and Dirty: Got a spare 17 hours burning a hole in your brain? Well, Civ III’s manual has a solution for that. Building off The Elder Scrolls: Arena’s arboreal genocidal tendencies, the fine folks at Firaxis Games exacted the practice of cutting down and skinning a crap-ton of trees to new, dizzying heights. PhD-textbook sized, the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar of instruction booklets, this nasty mother-humper towers over your sanity at a staggering 235 pages of raw, unfiltered gaming detail.

In all honesty, you’ll probably learn more from this manual than you’ll ever retain from a standard collegiate history lesson. World economics, commerce, industrial production, mutual protection pacts, trade embargoes, international diplomacy, maximization of natural resources— these are but a microscopic revelatory splinter of the complete topics covered. The goddamn index is 12 pages long. 12. Pages. Long. Front and back.  We’ve seen pocket dictionaries of lesser girth.

As a gamer new to the Civilization series, you simply can’t ask for a better lesson in gameplay mechanics. And for the advanced practitioner, expert advice and strategy accompany the basics. If not for the hideous blemish in the form of a .99 cent a minute “1-900″ hint-line on the final page, it’d be damned flawless.

Good For: Acting as a barrier to stop a charging rhinoceros.

Grade: A++

Icewind Dale II

Genre/Released: RPG/2002

The Down and Dirty: Every staunch RPGer shuddered and gasped as a shard of their PC gamer spirits detached forever with the painful loss of Black Isle Studios.  However, as adept as Black Isle was at conjuring up unforgettable titles like Fallout and Planescape Torment, their Icewind Dale II manual is the anabolic steroids of the instruction booklet playing field.

See, rather than stealing ideas and content and making them their own—as The Elder Scrolls: Arena unabashedly did—the selfish, dirty, shame-ridden cheating cheater that’s Icewind Dale II’s manual goes all Mark McGuire on us. It trounces the competition not through natural talent or creative catharsis, but rather through minimizing and inserting an actual Dungeons & Dragons master rule book in place of their own. That’s just not fair.

Naturally, this meaty and gleefully complex 152-page collection of special abilities and skills will keep you entertained for eons. Hell, even without the PC game that bears its name, this booklet is handy for refereeing all those spontaneous D&D matches that could no doubt erupt at any moment in a typical nerd’s daily life.

So sure – you can poke your schnoz into all sorts of sweet details like the level, range, casting time, duration, saving throw and area of effect for every single spell (all 59 blasted pages of them), but wouldn’t you rather knock a homer out the park without the abuse and aid of auxiliary chemicals? If you’re name’s Icewind Dale II, nope!

Good For: 9 hour plane trips across the pond; using as definitive ammunition against rival geeks.

Grade: A+ (with a bolded asterisk.)

Beyond Divinity

Genre/Released: Action-RPG/2004

The Down and Dirty: In a strange and refreshing departure from source material—that being the stench-soaked crap-sponge of the actual game—this informative manual proves inspiration often arrives in multiple avenues of delivery. Tagging along in shotgun sits a mini-novel, Child of Chaos, authored by miss Rhianna Pratchett (Terry Pratchett’s daughter). This 56-page romp provides the reader with multiple layers of literary preamble, fantasy flavor, and character examination in the Divinity series mythos.

Adjoining a game-specific piece of narrative fiction in book-format is more than a simple rarity, it’s a certifiable milestone. And if not for the continuity-evaporating Elvis reference near the end of novella, it would have been a shining example of supplemental perfection.

The manual’s no slouch either. Published on high-grade photo-stock paper, your fleshy tender digits will sing songs of praise and reverence to the smooth and welcoming surface that rests atop them. The info presented ain’t so bad either.

All important items and gameplay nuances—such as manipulating the teleporter stones, choosing magic types, and initial hints to character creation—are broadcast and deconstructed with expert tutelage. A single session reviewing the material will arm you with all essential knowledge required for successful play. Of course, all this glowing praise is likely mute, as Divinity II is about the gaming equivalent of chugging vinegar, slipping on the resulting vomit, and shattering a femur.

Good For: Dual wielding as preposterously effective fly swatters.

Grade: B

Guild Wars: Game of the Year Edition

Genre/Released: MMO/2005

The Down and Dirty: There’s a quick-reference card as an extra insert, but the “manual” is a single piece of paper…

Good For: It’s a single piece of paper.

Grade: Z-

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Genre/Released: Action-Adventure/2005

The Down and Dirty: A unique hybrid of exemplary innovation, the manual for GTA: San Andreas is actually the game box. The DVD rests safely behind the final page in this bright and colorful hard-cover masterpiece, cushioned by a small foam insert, protecting the disc from your grimy Mountain Dew-laminated desk’s harmful debris. The concept of melding a game box to its manual is so provocative, you’ll be duly bound to write your senator demanding legislature to make the practice lawfully binding (punishable by a healthy, savage beating if defied).

Adding to the overall packaging shininess, a poster-sized double-sided map of San Andreas awaits your clammy mitts before you even leaf past the first page. More than just a visual gimmick, if stuck nearby your monitor, it serves as a great transportation way-finder. Brainstorming the best route from Los Santos to San Fierro, icing all the areas of interest along the way, is bucket-loads less cumbersome than constantly opening and closing the in-game alternate overlay.

As for the instruction booklet’s details, there’s some decent horsepower grumbling under the hood. San Andreas’s buildings and eateries, such as The Well-Stacked Pizza Companies and the Ammu-Nations, are each summarized and described with a humorous slant, rooted in stark social commentary. All crucial avenues of curiosity are annotated and classified, including every song and artist on each of the 11 tunable radio stations. This, dear readers, is a manual the big boys wield; carry it with honor.

Good For: Putting in the attic when you go to college, leaving for 20 years, and then losing your mind after realizing your Mom tossed it in the curbside dumpster in your absence.

Grade: A

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Genre/Released: FPS/2007

The Down and Dirty: This abhorrent travesty of a gaming (un)manual serves as a stark signpost of the PDF age. Little more than a piece of standard letter-sized paper, cut up into equal sections, and affixed in the middle by 2 cheap staples (with some faded Vietnam-quality ink blotted in for good measure), this paltry and harrowing example practically screams “We hate you!” to the battle-worn connoisseur of the legacy instruction booklet.

There’s really little here to be considered content. 3 of the astonishing 9 total pages consist of the software license agreement. The remaining essential info is equally compelling: 3 pointless screenshots, a 2-sentence thesis of the checkpoint save system, and a reality-decompiling section on your health situation explaining that if you absorb too many bullets, you’ll kick the can. Now that’s depth.

So, while page 6 does explode our literary senses with its reasoning that an ammo counter “Shows your ammo count,” there’s just no reason this manual should even exist. Just put us out of our misery Infinity Ward; releasing a published document such as this only personifies your disdain of physical reading materials. Poor. Just… poor.

Good For: Nothing.

Grade: D- (see me after class.)

Divinity II: Ego Draconis

Genre/Released: Action-RPG/2010

The Down and Dirty: When deplorable societal facets manifest into government violence and widespread oppression, there are those that kneel and bow to the tyrants, and there are those that rise to their feet and fight. Under the heavy iron fist of the growing anti-manual PC gaming regime, Larian Studios pulls a good ol’ fashioned George Washington. Only instead of gunpowder and muskets, Larian’s weapons of choice are substance and compositional talent.

Spitting keenly in the eye of such insulting gestures as COD4:MW’s entry, Divinity II packs a manual that you’ll write home to your folks about. A hearkening back to the golden years, you’ll be instantaneously greeted (well, instantaneously after the epilepsy warnings, at least) by an introduction from Larian’s founder, Swen Vincke. He thanks you personally for purchasing the game, which stands out, as most first impressions nowadays come in the form of an ugly DRM pop-up, basically assuming you’re a thieving bastard of a peg-legged pirate.

Emblazoned within this hefty specimen of a magnum opus is a 4-page prelude of the Divinity story so far, intricate presentations of every spell and potion, an appropriately heavy study on the functions and devices riveted to the Battle Tower, and much, much more.

If pitted into a grudge match against the likes of Civ III’s manual, on the stakes of winner stays / loser’s filleted, Divinity II would probably end up as fresh fish. But come on, compared to everything else in the contemporary world? This bad boy pulls their pants down, whips ‘em stupid, and curb-stomps their heads. It’s devs like Larian that keep us huddled masses burning with a glimmer of hope. For this: a basket of delicious cookies.

Good For: Righteously smothering your other modern-day instruction booklets to death, and then peeing on their shallow, treasonous graves.

Grade: B+