TF2 Unlocks: A Modest Proposal

In the spirit of the recent double-decker Spy/Sniper Team Fortress 2 class “updates,” I have decided to put forth a list of future requested unlocks for certain classes. I will be sending the letter directly to Robin Walker. For your viewing pleasure, I have attached a copy of it below, which I will be mailing shortly.

Dear Mr. Walker,

I would like to thank you and your talented creative team for your continuous efforts to give every Team Fortress 2 class (except the Heavy) stupidly strong and balance-crushing unlockable weapons. However, I think we can all agree these new weapons aren’t overpowered enough. I hereby suggest, no: mandate the following upgrades for the next Team Fortress 2 update. (Please send all lucrative royalty checks care of Havoc; Game-Central.org.)

The Macro-oni and Cheese

This new weapon for the Pyro may look like a simple bowl of macaroni and cheese, but when tossed at an enemy soldier, its powdered orange pasta innards clog your adversary’s barrel and totally removes their L337 rocket-jumping macros. Permanently. Not only that; whenever the afflicted Soldier attempts to re-bind his keyboard with another rocket-macro, the Macro-oni and Cheese pops up from the background and uninstalls the game while simultaneously over-volting the user’s power supply thus setting their computer on fire, just as the Pyro would have it. Those cheap-ass Soldiers will think twice about replacing twitch-based skill with algorithmic horse-crap now!

The Terminator

Sure, the Spy is now basically invincible with his new bag of crazy unlocks, but why stop there? Utilizing future technologies and advanced scientific breakthroughs, The Terminator, when equipped, will infuse the Spy’s skeletal structure with pure steel alloy, and replace his muscles with hydraulic pistons producing unparalleled herculean strength. The Terminator will, in reality, not only render the Spy completely indestructible, but also grant him never-ending revolver critical hits, regardless of the shots’ locational-based damage. Forever. The Spy will literally become a certifiably unfair invulnerable bullshit class, just as Valve obviously intended.

The People’s Burden

This new unlock, which replaces all the weapons for the Heavy class, will take the shape and form of a giant iron ball and chain attached to the character’s left ankle, simulating the physical strife his people have endured over the countless years due to endless bureaucratic corruption and oppression. True: this new weapon isn’t actually a weapon at all, and it has absolutely no use whatsoever except to cripple the Heavy’s already glacial movement speed, but maybe when your enemies see how gimped the class has truly become, they’ll take pity and spare you, leaving you free to limp to the flag or capture point mostly unmolested. But look out for those callous and remorseless huntsman arrows, because they’ve now been upgraded to boomerang and register insta-death headshots even when aimed at a victim’s feet! Oh those wacky Snipers!

The Poop Soccer

Why should the Sniper have all the fun with his new-found airborne urine-casting abilities? The Scout needs some toilet-love also! This brilliant unlock upgrades the Sandman’s puny baseball to an over-inflated soccer ball filled with 5 pounds of fresh human feces. When struck with the Scout’s bat and sent skyward, the Poop Soccer enjoys a built-in homing device that will find its target regardless of things like aiming or practice. Just fire and forget! Once the improvised crap-missile hits its unfortunate target, The Poop Soccer explodes, covering the receiver in a thick layer of filthy waste that causes all nearby teammates to take 600% more damage than normal… for the entire match. This weapon will have infinite ammo, as the Scout has (apparently) taken up as steady diet of prunes, watermelon and 5-alarm chili. Refill at will!

The Ass Magnet

If there’s anything that certain already self-sustained talented Demomen need, it’s MORE medics leashed to their proverbial rectums. The Ass Magnet successfully fixes this long-standing inadequacy. And it’s just that: a gigantic magnet that the Demoman stuffs into his Scottish ass. The mega-increased polarity then draws all friendly Medics’ medi-guns straight to the rear of the user, regardless of who they were already healing. No Medics around? Not a problem! The Ass Magnet will query every TF2 server world-wide and yank those Heavy-attached healing bastards from their nice comfy backseat rides to YOUR ass instead. It will then ban those players’ IP addresses from any destination except for the ones you join. It’s the perfect Demo addendum! Best of all: The Ass Magnet won’t replace any existing weapons. You’ll just get it for free. Screw those Heavies, they don’t need medics, YOU do!

The Hook Line And/Or Sinker

This is a fishing pole. For all classes. You can sit down on CP_Well and fish with it. For no reason. Hell, TF2 is more or less an MMO already, let’s just complete the circle! Equip The Hook Line And/Or Sinker, park yourself next to some water, stop shooting stuff, and start NOT having fun ASAP!! Let’s bring on the astounding mediocrity: online team-based FPSs are overrated anyways.

Sincerely,

Chris Comiskey, AKA Havoc