Console Port SATs

Greetings, future PC game console porter. Prior to being accepted to any accredited platform transitional university, you will be required to complete the following test and score within the top 25th percentile.  Please answer the following multiple choice questions in numerical sequential order. You will be timed from start to finish. Certain questions may contain more than one correct answer. Leaving a question blank is not acceptable. Once finished, please turn in your completed exam to the nearest refuse bin. Thank you, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

1) When describing a ported PC game as “the most PC-centric game of the entire series,” which pieces of the below presented evidence are factually accurate?

a) The game accepts basic mouse and keyboard inputs, and is therefore a milestone.

b) The game sometimes accepts basic mouse and keyboard inputs, but only to piss you off enough to the point of utter insanity.

c) The game connects to the Internet. Sort of.

d) The letters “PC” are somewhere on the game packaging. But probably not in order.

e) The game is an outright criminal slack-assed console port of a once fantastic series, and its makers should be drowned in a pile of African elephant feces.

2) “Gamepads” are to “PC gaming” as:

a) “Heart attacks” are to “awesome.”

b) “Darkest of Days” is to “a soothing peach-scented back massage.”

c) “Microsoft Games for Windows initiative” is to “compelling think tank of amazing.”

d) “Keenan Weaver TF2 7000 pings” are to “unusual.”

e) “Torchlight pets” are to “not adorable and fiscally conscious.”

3) Finish the following statement.

“Even though we were supposedly a once exclusive PC developer, we dumped 98.7% of all our available resources into the console version and then produced a hefty steaming PC turd-pile because­­­ ___________________________________.”

a) We work for Chris Taylor.

b) We secretly hate you.

c)  Carl from the janitorial department needed a new mop handle and a fresh urinal cake, which depleted our creative team’s entire PC budget.

d) Everyone knows those Mac ads are accurately researched and completely forthright, and thus the PC is dead.

e) Piracy is ruining our company, even though we use 100 dollar bills to wipe our asses and often bathe in steaming gold bullion.

Figure A.

4) Who is this legendary man? (See Figure A.)

a) Super Mario.

b) Your father-in-law’s financial securities accountant.

c) Uh… Barack Obama?

d) Irrelevant; he doesn’t make Wii games, so he can’t be that important.

e) Hideo Kojima.

5) Borderlands leaves the house at 5pm traveling at 50mph. Rainbow Six Vegas 2 leaves the train station at 70mph after 12:30am. Conversely, Batman: Arkham Asylum accelerates away from Borderlands and Rainbow Six Vegas 2 at a rate of 40mph at 4:30am.  If all three continue onward at their above prescribed constant speeds, at what time will exclusive PC games cease to exist?

a) PC games? I thought we were designing a port for the Nintendo DS…

b) Noon tomorrow.

c) Unknown: I’m not intelligent enough to tell time.

d) I don’t care. Give me my paycheck.

e) Yes.

6) A certain unnamed RTS PC game designer once commented on how the analog sticks on a gamepad are far more in-tune than a mouse and keyboard for controlling multiple units and zooming in and out of the battlefield. Why would the above referenced person say this?

a) Because he drank two quarts of double-strength liquid Drano just prior to the interview, with a chaser of fresh-squeezed retarded juice.

b) Because everyone already knows that the mouse and keyboard are terrible instruments for RTS games; the NES Advantage is a far better option.

c) Because unadulterated PC gamer betrayal is more fun than a trip to meet Captain America.

d) Because analog pads can vibrate, and that’s, like, uh – pretty neat.

e) Because what the PC gaming really needs is to be MORE like a portable chemical toilet for big-name self-inflated industry prima donnas.

7) Transitioning a big-name title to a different platform is sensitive and tricky business. As such, what is the most important aspect when porting a console game over to the PC? (Use scrap paper as needed.)

a) To phone-in the entire effort and infuriate as many diehard PC gamers as much as possible.

b) To purposefully exclude crucial and expected features such as quick saving and dedicated servers (nobody nowadays uses crap like that anyway).

c) To ensure you remove as many copies of the game disc itself and instead vomit into numerous game boxes prior to shipping.

d) To mask the God-forsaken digital monstrosity you just coughed up by employing genius marketing tag lines such as, “Multiplayer available! Play with MORE than one person… ONLINE!” Or, “Comes with free DVD sleeve! And complimentary PDF instruction manual!”

e) To release the game 9 months later than the consoles, after everyone’s already forgotten about it.

8) Match the below jumbled images to the correct names and/or titles.

a) Darth Poop-Stain	1)
b) Shining proof that console players are more talented at first person shooters than PC gamers.	2)
c) Obsolete clunky control mechanism.	3)
d) PC.	4)
e) Where all our ported games should rightfully be placed. Without being opened.	5)